Where have I been?

It’s a good thing I didn’t commit to a post a day, because I can’t even handle a post a week! I hate feeling like I’m not doing my best and for the past month, I’m not sure if I’ve been at my best in any aspect of life from school/work to relationships with people to this blog. This past Monday, I was feeling extra overwhelmed and frustrated with myself. Instead of taking the day to tackle the long list of things I needed/could get done, I threw Carl in the truck (not literally) and drove up to CP for a run in the woods. I didn’t even know where we were going I just knew that if I drove north, I’d find a place. After driving around in circles, I decided to go to the Vischer Ferry Preserve and run east. We’ve always parked and walked west toward the power plant so I had no idea how far it went in the other direction.

BTW…Holding a leash and trying to run is the worst, but Carl and I worked out a system. I loop the leash around my waist, securing it with the plastic bag he never needs, and he runs at my side without pulling (unless he sees a rabbit). As a result, my arms are able to swing freely, I have a metronome/body guard at my side, AND I’m abiding by the leash law.

The Preserve is beautiful and I’ve missed out on most of it my entire life. I can’t believe it! The trail runs along the old Erie Canal so it’s straight and you will have to do an out-and-back or point-to-point run/walk, but that also means less chance of getting disoriented for any of you who get lost easily. At times, I felt like we were the only ones for miles around. I was determined to see the end of the trail so we kept going until the main entrance at Riverview and VanVranken Road. From there, you have two more options, but I decided we’d better turn back. Our total run time: 45 minutes! Yes! We were going slow and didn’t cover many miles, but it was satisfying to be running again for that length of time without any pain.

Funny thing…The run felt great, but the high faded and I was left still feeling empty. The drive home, I cried. Later that night after a staff meeting, I cried. I was hurting for reasons I couldn’t even articulate. But you know, I didn’t pray about it. I didn’t feel like it. I was feeling so crummy about myself and wanted to wait until I felt less crummy about myself to approach God as if I could actually do something. For two days I kept this charade up. Finally, I succumbed to the astronomical weight I was shouldering. I said “Lord, where have I been?” There is nothing like pouring your heart out to God, knowing He hears you and cares for you. Knowing not because some guy in a pulpit says so, but knowing with every fiber of your being that you are CHANGED because of that love.

Then, I opened to Matthew and read about Jesus healing people over and over again. Their faith made them well. Not their good deeds. Not their ability to keep the law. Faith.

“And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, ‘If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.’ Jesus turned, seeing her he said, ‘Take heart, daughter, your faith has made you well.’ And instantly the woman was made well.” – Matthew 9:20-22

How encouraging those words are to me, and I hope to you as well, because it reminds me that I don’t have to be squeaky clean for God to love me. He wants me in my brokenness. For that I am thankful. Thankful for what Jesus did on the cross. How He died in my place and rose again three days later that I might know God personally and experience His love. What a wonderful, awe inspiring thing. I’m thankful for the God who allows me to run, has given me a passion for it in my heart, but does not let it come between me and Him.

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